2009 at a glance

this entry has been a bit overdue.. I feel the need to ingrain what's on my head..

--<@

“once in a lifetime means there’s no second chance.. because this moment is all we really have”

last quarter of 2008 and the whole of 2009 has got to be the most emotional year for me.. I was in on an emotional roller coaster high.. so much has happened that up until this very moment, I didn't think there were that many tears in the world.. I must've shed enough to fill an olympic-sized pool..

words couldn't even describe how I felt.. if there was ever a time I controlled my feelings and never really said a thing about how I really felt, this was it.. so much were bottled up..

a huge gaping hole was left somewhere inside me.. a hole that until now, I'm still trying to fill.. funny.. I never thought of myself as the fragile sort.. I know I said I'm happy being by myself for now and that I'm already super okay.. but you know, it gets hard pretending that you're really fine and dandy and that everything's just peachy when infact, there are days when it isn't.. there have been instances that I just wanted to burst and cry like there's no tomorrow but I just couldn't seem to do it.. it's hard to keep mum about things when your heart literally feels like being ripped into pieces.. should hearts be made of glass, I would say mine has been finely crushed..

it was rather unsettling for me to realize that even after all these months, something still always brings me back to him.. just when I thought everything was already going great and that I'm really FINE, that's when I feel like being pulled back.. he, in a way neither he nor me knows how, still brings me down.. all these time, I don't know if he knows, it's as if he's omnipresent.. I don't like it.. in all honesty, I wanted to get away from it all.. infairness to me, I did everything just to make my world seem normal.. like it wasn't in any way shaken.. I worked to the extent of being a workaholic, went out with friends, tried to see the world in a different light.. but to no avail.. well, I successfully haven't thought of him for the longest time but every time I do, unintentionally I might add, it was like a piercing blow..

to add salt to the wound, along side losing my forever, I also lost some important people.. people who over the years have been very special to me.. people I considered “family”.. sigh.. a whole “network” lost.. pun intended..

to sum everything up, it has been a really shitty and crappy year for me.. I lost faith in most things I believed in.. take love and magic for instance.. I have met some people in this time of my singlehood but I just couldn’t seem to see any of them.. I still want to believe in the happy ever after type of stuff but after everything I went through, I guess there’s just no use in investing emotions.. some acquaintances might say I became somewhat cold and heartless.. those close to me would say more cautious.. but you know, even in the middle of all that drama, still, there were reasons for me to smile and be thankful for.. my friends (real ones) stood by me during my most difficult time.. they were there even when I didn’t want them to be.. they let me be when I wanted to be alone and talked sense into me every time I was being nonsensical.. listened even when I was on the verge of sounding like a broken record, stayed up until very late when I still didn’t want to sleep, kept me company when I needed one and most importantly, they exerted effort to drag me out of my blues, for me to keep it together, and to atleast try to keep me sane.. seriously, I loved and appreciated them more to bits for that.. I’m lucky to have friends like the ones I have now.. I probably would’ve lost it altogether if it weren’t for them..

I wasn’t feeling very excited about the holidays and all for it felt weird being by myself (not literally) for the first time in a very long time.. but if I were to force myself to feel even the tinglest of excitement, it would have to be for the new year.. I wonder what’s going to happen.. my, I certainly hope this would prove to be a better year for me.. experiences changed me.. it’s better like that.. I’m stronger now than ever.. not totally healed but it’ like there was never any wound to begin with.. time heals all wounds somehow.. over the past weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot and though I long ago accepted the fact that some things can never be the same, it just now that I’ve come to terms with the reality that there are people, plus some other things, that we need to forget.. with it goes all the memories, be it good or bad.. then again, I guess the feeling that it’s always better when we’re together won’t shake off anytime soon.. besides, the fact still remains that he’ll always have a space.. nothing and no one can take that away.. actually, I’m getting over him most of the time.. it won’t be too long now for it to be all the time.. I am better off.. for now, I am looking forward to the coming year and is so ready to leave 2009 behind.. who knows? I might hear that single voice above the noise.. one that could make me tell myself, “I may still have that chance to get my fairytale after all”..

** anyway, happy new year all.. this is me, signing off to 2009..